Ten reasons you can Follow THIS

I don’t claim to be any kind of Social Media Expert™. Let’s face it, if I were, I’d be doing seminars in front of hundreds of terrified Fifty-Something Marketing Managers, making up acronyms like SMOS (Social Media Optimization Strategy) and YOBDEKWISDY (You Old Bastards Don’t Even Know What I’m Saying, Do You) and watching them slowly panic as they realize that the Ice Age is coming and the T-Rex, it is them.
But I am an expert in what infuriates me. And infuriating me is an awesome way to make me stop Following you on Twitter. So my former twitter sweeties (tweeties?), here are the reasons why I decided we should see other people:

  • You tweet too much. Seeing your avatar in my feed once or twice a day makes me happy. I like you (that’s why I followed you after all) and your face is a tiny ray of sunshine in my dreary day. Seeing it 32 times in a 60 minute period? (yes, Kevin Smith, I’m glowering in your direction) I don’t like anyone that much. Fuck you.
  • You tweet too little. I want to know more about you. I want to share in your life, to know what you feel, what you think. If you’re just a name in my list, contributing nothing but another digit to my already worryingly high Follow count and an occasional tweet about your lust for Felicia Day, guess what buddy: Fuck you too.
  • You tweet about your [insert shtick here] constantly. If I’m following you, you’re probably someone who DOES something. You write books, or music, you make films. And honestly, I really am interested in your novel/album/record-breaking gangbang attempt, but I already know the release date. Wanna know how? Because you told me twenty seven times in the last three days. Fffffffuck you.
  • You tweet nothing but absolute bollocks. Yes, I want to know you. I want a glimpse into your magical Person Who Does Interesting Things existence. That doesn’t mean I need to hear about the mind-numbing minutiae of your life. If your spawn lost a tooth? If your cat is asleep on your chair? If you’re contemplating having nommy nommy pie for dinner? How about a nice big plate FUCK YOU instead.
  • You tweet like no-one’s watching. You know those twitter conversations you have with your Significant Other? Well guess what, if I’m following you both (as I may well be, if your SO is also someone ultra-interesting) I get to be privy to that entire conversation. And if it’s a conversation about doing rails of cocaine off a flaming stripper while you skydive out of an exploding aeroplane, hell yes I want to get all voyeuristic on that shit. If it’s a conversation about buying milk, or what you want to watch on Fox tonight (hint: the answer is always ‘nothing’) then send her a txt message instead, you cheap prick. 3825 968.
  • You’re always NICE. Real people are not always nice. Real people get angry. Real people swear. I understand you don’t want your public persona to be negative, but someone who is constantly nice is not a person, they’re a frackin’ toaster. If I wanted to follow a robot, I’d follow Al Gore. If I wanted to follow a paragon of virtue, I’d follow myself (LAWL). Gimme an F, gimme a U…
  • You Follow thousands upon thousands people. There is no way in hell you actually read that feed, son. You’re not fooling anyone. You’re just Following folks in the hopes they Follow you back, neither one of you actually giving a shit about what the other has to say. Like the forty-something divorcee with the freshly pierced ear and his Maserati car keys arranged artfully on the bar before him, this reeks of utter desperation.  Yebi Tebya (this is Russian for, oh you get the idea…)
  • You Retweet the nice things people say about you. I already like you. I wouldn’t have followed you if I didn’t. But frankly, I don’t give a shit that someone else likes you too, unless that person is, like, the Queen, or the ghost of Bill Hicks or something. If @hipsterdude94  tells you you’re awesome, write back to @hipsterdude94 and say “Thanks, and wtf @ your name son…” Don’t RT his noise into your feed with a “Thx! :)” in front of it. I don’t need my choice in liking you validated by the knowledge that some other douchbag likes you too. I have more faith in my own shit-filter than that. Doing this makes it harder to like you. In fact? (cue Big Band sting) Fuck youuuuuuuuu.
  • I messaged you, and you didn’t message me back. Twitter is a SOCIAL medium. You and I are meant to engage in some way, shape or form. And yeah, I get that you’re busy and Very Important™. But a friend of mine gave Neil Gaiman some shit about his taste in music the other day, and he tweeted her back, like, instantly (she is available for appearances at parties, bar mitzvahs and weddings. She will allow you to touch the mobile device upon which she received the tweet for a moderate fee – I have touched it, and it apparently unlocked my mutant power to rant like a crazy homeless person) Now, Neil Gaiman has a million+ Followers. So if you’re sub five-figures on the Follower count, and you don’t message me back the first time? Fair enough, you might be busy. After the third time? Yeah, that’s kinda rude. After the fifth time? You’re just a prick. Fuck you.
  • You Rickrolled me. Now, I don’t mean you actually linked to a video of Rick Astley (if you did this, it should go without saying: fuck you). I mean you typed something ambiguous like “Squeeeee, guess what was waiting for me when I got home today?” + {link}. And I think “Oh man, that could be a pile of first edition printings, or a bouncing castle full of Playboy bunnies, or Charlie Sheen all hopped up on ice and screaming ‘WINNINGGGGGG!!’ at your mailbox” and I click the link and it’s a picture of your cat sitting on the fucking doorstep. Or the pair of shoes you ordered from ebay. Or Rick Astley begging for loose change. This one, my friend, is for you.

That’s all I’ve got. GodDAMN someone took his angry pills this morning…

19 Responses to “Ten reasons you can Follow THIS”

  1. Yes down the line, Mis-tah Kris-toff! Wait…now I have to go check if you unfollowed me. Still great, though.

  2. oh god. I feel like maybe an intervention needs to be staged. lol lol lol.

  3. Alan says:

    I’ll RT nice things people say about my work, it’s like a mini-review. Does that still piss you off? 🙂

  4. Jay, you are supposed to be Very Polite online now that you are an author. Yet you cuss and swear and make the sweet little tweety bird flip me off!!! I am entirely jealous.

  5. So awesome. I love Twitter pet peeve lists, and this one made me laugh out loud. I had to take a break after the snorting rails off a flaming hooker.
    What else I hate? People who follow and then unfollow the SAME DAY if I don’t follow them back immediately. As if I’m perched in front of my computer checking for new followers all day. Also if they’re a follower-collector who unfollows as soon as I do follow them. They get put on my list I call “Dead to me,” but maybe I should rename that list.

    • When I first read your comment, I didn’t read the “the” in “I had to take a break after the snorting rails off a flaming hooker” and thought “Lynne Kelly is the coolest person I know.”
      Bear in mind that Twitter can sometime Unfollow people for you, for no reason. It’s done that to me with the same person 4 times now.
      Fucking Twitter…

  6. […] I owe Jay Kristoff a beer for the late-night ROFL his blog about Twitter gave me. (Speaking of blogging, that writer’s crutch or blessing or curse, check out this […]

  7. Sadhbh says:

    Can I add:
    : You are major of your pharmacy, local petrol station and buttfuck, everywhere. I don’t want to hear about your #4sq movements. Unless you are Stephen King so I can stalk you and get your signature on my copy of Misery. (Hammer optional for this one.)
    : You are Misery. Look through your tweets. If pretty much all of them are complaining about stuff/life/other people, you don’t need a social media platform, you need psychological change. Go quit your job, see a therapist, whatever, but stop whining.

  8. Sadhbh says:

    It ated my comment! And I was angry too!
    I can’t harness the rage again (too early, dammit) but to this list I would like to add:
    – you are the major of Buttfuck, Anywhere. No one cares about your #4sq log-ins, nor that fact that you obsessively trek to the same places daily, terrified of trying anything new. Being major of the local pharmacy just makes me wonder if you are a hypochondriac, a shoplifter or stalking one the staff.
    – you constantly complain. If everything sucks that much, make some changes or get a fucking therapist. Or both.

  9. Cam Rogers says:

    One for the ball: anyone whose bio includes the urging that you follow your dreams. That really is punchworthy.

  10. Just about the greatest post I’ve ever read. Gotta follow you on Twitter now. ;D

  11. Ad says:

    I hate twitfaceplus. FSMVM!
    Yes I should be studying for my exam tomorrow instead of procrastinating here and raising things long, long, long dead in intraweb time. But hey I am entitled. I’ve not been here for a while because I’ve been busy curb-stomping my assessments like Derek keeping the family wheels safe.
    Please sir, write me an essay plan on ‘The manipulative power of propaganda is so dangerous that it justifies targeted censorship.’ I know you want to. I’ll be back to pick it up tomorrow at 1pm EST. That’ll give me time to watch My Own Private Idaho.
    FYI Golden Girl picked up a semester award for music today. She’s chuffed and we’re proud.
    Take care, hope 2 of 2 treats you kindly.
    Hippy Who.
    p.s. No pants.

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