Pretty gold statues


It shouldn’t really rock your pantaloons off to learn that we humans are an odd lot. But if you ever needed any kind of proof that you belong to a seriously sideways race, follow my advice and start a blog. The search string terms that generate hits to your bloggery will once and for all remove any doubt that you live on a planet populated by tentacle-obsessed, gym-saddle sniffing lunatics.
To that end, and given we’re fast approaching year’s end, I present the inaugural:
MOST FUCKED UP GOOGLE SEARCHES TO HIT MY BLOG AWARDS
The entry criteria was simple: any Google search that resulted in a visit to my blog was eligible for entry, and I swear to Crom, I’m not making any of these up. Screenshots can be provided on request.
Note: It was my intention to have Samuel L Jackson present these awards, but he’s not returning my calls for some reason.
(Dun da da dunn da da daaaaaaaaaa)
The I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT’S STILL KINDA AWESOME award
Honorable Mentions:
Go away homework I don’t want to fuck you
Beasts in the Beard
Epic rage face ffffffffuck
шторм фотографии
T Rex woman of gold
Winnah: 
Giant Monster Panda
(because the only way this would be cooler is if they threw the words ‘robot’ and ‘ninja’ in there too. Seriously peoples, this is now the title of my next WIP. ‘Giant Robot Ninja Monster Panda’ – Coming to a theatre near you in 2013)
The DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF ARE YOU DOING ON MY BLOG award
Honorable Mentions: 
Are you asleep I’m Asian you bastard
Lying about gender to literary agent (seriously dude? )
Part chimp t-shirts
Even nazi cat boys love reading
Kiss this if you don’t like cowboys
Winnah:   
King tubby dub gone crazy evolution (seriously WTFFFF)
The OUSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF SEXUAL DEVIANCY award
Honorable Mentions:  
Giant Merkins
Gay Snape sex dobby
Pecs crushing cock
Mike O Hearn penis (I have nfi who Mike is, but I’m sure he’s up to no good)
Firm-handed beard ladies
Winnah:  
If a girl had a dream that you got fucked by a squid, would you hate her?
(deadly seriously here, people. One of your fellow human beings actually typed those words into a search engine. Some have demanded proof of this, and thus, I give it to you. )
And finally the SEARCH STRING OF THE YEAR award goes to:
Jay Kristoff dead
(because I didn’t think I’d annoyed anyone that much yet)
See you at next year’s award folks. Hopefully Samuel L will have got back to me by then.


10 Responses to “Pretty gold statues”

  1. alanbaxter says:

    Of course, now all these terms DO exist on your blog and will only increase search results.
    🙂

  2. Tez Miller says:

    Jay, you have facial hair – do you have beasts in your beard? 😉

  3. Thoraiya says:

    Are you sure none of these searches are by bots? They have a strange resemblance to spam. Err…some of them, anyway. I know writers who steal character names from spam or twitter bots 🙂

  4. Dmetri says:

    Jay, I laughed myself sick with some of these. My favourite, weirdly, is Jay Kristoff dead. Not because I want you dead but that someone would think to search for such a thing. Maybe you have a twin? Giant Merkins runs a close second.
    Two of my favourite search word that brought people to my blog are:
    Asian boys in chains (no such thing exists on my blog, I swear!)
    House wife anal sex (again, I give you my word of honour I have never written about such a thing)

    • My twin must be indeed evil if someone wants him capped already 😀
      Giant merkins tripped me out. I can kinda see how some of these hit my blog – they’re amalgams of other phrases I’ve used. But like your house wives and asian boys, some of them completely baffle me.
      We share this planet with strange peoples, Dmetri 🙂

  5. Your blog posts have me snorting milk out of my nose. Seriously. Please keep ’em coming!

    • As long as you promise not to inhale. I don’t want you found drowned in a puddle of milk in front of my blog.
      Although getting blamed for the first recorded ‘death by blog’ might be a quick path to infamy…

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