Monthly Archives: January 2014

Don’t quit your day job

FORCE SOLO.
So, I quit my day job this week. I’d been building up to it in my head ever since the deal on ILLUMINAE broke, but it’s still left me a little . . . bitey. I’m sitting here at 10pm, having written 3.5k of my SLASHER GIRL AND MONSTER BOYS short today, and I’m in no way able to relax. SO I’m writing a post for my poor neglected blog. The idea of forcing myself to stop is foremost in my mind. My fun muscle seems to have atrophied through disuse (that wasn’t a euphemism, minds out of the gutter people jesus).

Point is, this state of being will take some getting used to.

The job I had was a pretty cool one for a lot of years. Many chapters of the LOTUS WAR trilogy were beaten out on my lunchbreaks, ditto with ILLUMINAE. And while I wasn’t doing anything as worthy as curing cancer or as exciting as playing high stakes poker against Le Chiffre and making sweet, sweet lurve to Eva Green, I worked with nice people and the gig left me the energy to write when I got home.

But things change. In recent months I found myself with a new boss I . . . was not fond of. A very wise man once told me “life is too short to work for ass clowns”, and I found his disembodied Obiwan Kenobi-eqsue mantra (yes, this makes me Luke Skywalker, bitches) ringing in my head in recent months. And so I dropped the bomb. Pulled the pin. Choked the chicken . . . no wait that means something else doesn’t it.

It’s a strange feeling (not choking the chicken MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER PEOPLE). I’d bet my collection of naughty French lithographs you’ve all worked for a boss you disliked at some point. Like most of you, I’d find myself fantasizing about the way I’d quit in darker hours. Generous heapings of profanity would be involved. Bodily orifices and directions where jobs could be forcibly inserted would be mentioned. The bridges I burned would light my way.

But as I was on the final run up to Q-Day, a workbuddy of mine gifted me some words of wisdom, and the need to prove anything pretty much vaporized. When I finally pulled the trigger, I was 100% polite. No profanity or mentions of bodily orifices anywhere.

Looking back a few days later, I’m kinda proud of that. Just washing my hands and waving bye-bye. And I’m not about denying you the pleasure of venting your spleen, but if any of you lovely folks are lucky enough to be able to tell the boss where they can shove it . . . I’d at least entertain the thought of refraining. If only because you’ll probably feel better for not having gone out of your way to make someone else feel bad. The boss you dislike is still going to work tomorrow, after all. And you get to sleep in for the first time since forever. Winnnnningggg.

So I’m quit. Full time author. Amazing and terrifying. Driving home from work that last day, I was wondering when the glee would kick in. I didn’t quite know how to feel. I rang my bride and told her the deed was done and the first thing she said to me was “I’m proud of you, baby.” I knew exactly how to feel, then.

Lucky.

I’ve basically been working two full time jobs for five years straight. Every lunch time, I’d sit in a meeting room and write stories about gryphons and insane artificial intelligences for an hour, then try to switch my brain back into Regular Life Mode. I’d get home from work, walk the dog, eat, hang out with my wife for a bit, then write until 2 or sometimes 3 in the morning. Saturdays, I’d write all day. Sundays, I’d do the grocery shopping, then write some more. That’s been my life for five years. And believe me I’m not complaining – I am so, SO INCREDIBLY LUCKY to be doing what I do. But jesus, it’s going to be nice to get a few hours extra sleep a night.

To everyone who has made this possible, to the awesome folks and Macmillan and Random House, all my readers, all of YOU, much, much love.

The next chapter awaits.

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Awards!

it's the first annual Montgomery Burns awards for... outstanding achievement... in the field of... excellence.

.

Hello droogies,

This is the mandatory holiday blog post, posted well after the holidays are over in keeping with my “too busy to scratch himself, let alone engage in bloggery, holiday-themed or otherwise” motif, which seems to be coming along swimmingly, thanks for asking. I hope you all had a splendid break and are now shuffling miserably back to your respective work unit receptacles, counting down the days to the next public holiday. Seriously, three weeks wtfffff.

To sum up the year that was, I’m reviving an old favorite and hereby vow to make it an annual experience, presuming I’m not stricken with some terrible brain-eating parasite, inherit a vast sum of money (avast, yarrr!), or simply CBF’ed next year. Trawling through the search strings that lead some people to stumble into my louse-ridden corner of the internet is always an amusing way to kill a few brain cells, and this year was no exception.

Without further ado, it’s the almost annual

MOST FUCKED UP GOOGLE SEARCHES TO HIT MY BLOG AWARDS

The entry criteria was simple: any Google search that resulted in a visit to my blog was eligible for entry, and may the Black Goat of the Woods make mildly amusing balloon animals of my large intestine if I speak a lie, I’m not making any of these up. Screenshots can be provided on request. What you don’t trust me, that cuts me deep 😦

(Dun da da dunn da da daaaaaaaaaa)

The I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT’S STILL KINDA AWESOME award

Honorable Mentions

Knight rider world ebay pants (???)
I hate when i’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair (Me too, buddy. Me too.)
Теслапанк
Giant ass space dinosaur
Fuck the world im a unicorn (How you type so good with them hooves, bro?)
Angry squid has no time for jibba jabba (or any of your crap, dammit)

Winnah

Snape i will only drop the base once

(Once, do you hear me, Severus? ONCE! *boom**tish**boomboom*)

The DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF ARE YOU DOING ON MY BLOG award

Honorable Mentions

Angry hobo spanking homework (…what?)
Twilight moms (To the wrong place, you have come, my friend)
Doing the robot angrily
Snape obviously (Well, OBVIOUSLY)
Katie see a man and a woman standing close together at a bus stop. although they are not speaking, she perceives them to be a couple. which gestalt p… (This search string was so big it actually broke my blog’s analytics. Who the hell types that into google?)

Winnah

Sew your own pet pillows choly knight

(BEWARE THE DREAD CHOLY KNIGHT AND HIS PET PILLOWS OF DOOOOM)

The OUSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF SEXUAL DEVIANCY award

Honorable Mentions

Kili/Legolas slash (Kili is way too short for the Legster, kids, it’s never gonna happen)
Sexy story ffffffffuck new full squid ovies (WHAT)
I’m fucking a unicorn (Yes, but WHY?)
Sniffing saddle (So YOU’RE the one)
Bobies and vaguna (Yeah, luv dem vagunas, son…)

Winnah

Filmino erotico di ribar

(Apparently my agent’s assistant Lindsay Ribar has started shooting porno and no one told me WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE)

The SEARCH STRING OF THE YEAR award

Blogs about disappointment

(hahahah)

(. . . no waitaminute . . . )

D: