Monthly Archives: August 2012

Moar Loots


If you’re just here to win the free Rothfuss books and don’t care about anything else, head to the bottom of the post. I’m not crying, honestly. I just have something in my eye.

For the uninitiated:

So my debut novel is coming out in… 23 days. 18 days if you live in the UK. If you live in Australia, you lucky dog, you can apparently head to a store and buy it right now.

Its name is STORMDANCER. Some professional book reviewer type people are of the belief it doesn’t suck, and have been busy telling everyone else it doesn’t suck. Which is truly awesome.

Strangely, I found a couple of authors who thought it didn’t suck either, and actually liked it enough to blurb it for me (a blurb is essentially an author being officially quoted about the lack of suck in another author’s book). Which is even more awesome. Like, weapons-grade awesome. Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die awesome.

Wait, that’s not awesome. Poor Reno guy…

Anyway, one of these deluded author types was Patrick Rothfuss, author of the NYT bestselling Kingkiller Chronicles. Sometime last year, Pat was nice enough to send me some signed loots to give away close to my launch – the logic being if you like Pat’s stuff, you might find yourself intrigued about a book he thought didn’t suck enough to be quoted on the cover as having said “THIS BOOK DOES NOT SUCK”.

Or something. Anyways, the free shit…

So, I’m giving away signed hardback copies of THE NAME OF THE WIND and THE WISE MAN’S FEAR. Not only are these puppies signed, they also contain 100% bonafide spoilers about book 3 of the Kingkiller Chronicles, scrawled in Pat’s own bardic script right next to his signature. Yes, you read that right. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster strike me dead of screaming syphilis if I speak a lie. SPOILERS.

What do you have to do to win this jizztasmagoric smorgasbord of pure nerdgasm?

It’s real easy. Some authors make you subscribe to FB pages or twitter feeds or blogs or name your first kid Kristoff (great name for a super villain – jus’ sayin’) and fuck all that noise. You’re either going to like the sound of my book, or you won’t. If you like the sound of it, maybe you’ll sub to my FB page or twitter or whatever. That’s all grand, thank you very much, buttons are up on the top right. If you’re just here for the free Rothfuss and STFU Jay, just tell us how to win, that’s all good too.

SO, to win, all you have to do is Tweet or FB about the giveaway.

Yes. To be in with a chance to win, you have to lessen your chances of actually winning by telling other people about the competition. That Kristoff, eh? What a fucking jerk.

If you tweet, make sure you tag it with the #stormdancer hashtag so I know you did it. Eg:

Author of #stormdancer, @misterkristoff is giving away signed copies of @Pat_Rothfuss’ KINGKILLER CHRONICLES here:

Or something along those lines. Maybe something with a bit more oomph. I dunno, I’m not a writer, jesus…

…oh, wait…

If you FB about it, make sure you tag my FB page so I know you did it (you’ll have to Like the page to do so, this is FB’s rule not mine and it sucks, sorry. If the thought of being manipulated into Liking a page makes you want to stomp on babies, you can Unlike my page right after. Please don’t stomp any babies).

That’s it. Go forth and tweet. Or whatever. The winner will be drawn on Monday September 3rd. The winner will be chosen by the Random Number Generator Gods, so you may wish to butcher something small and fluffy in their names. The giveaway IS international.

No bribes accepted. Although if you promise to name your first kid Kristoff maybe we can work something out…



So my Last ARC contest was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever done on this blog – not because it was inherently cool or anything, more because YOU people are fucking cool and did some incredibly cool stuff for it. I’ve sent out  a bunch of loots to folks in order to say thanks, but I wanted to give a special shout out to the top three entries, mostly because a lot of people have been asking who won.

Two honorable mentions (and some bonus ARCs courtesy of the awesome folks at Dunne/SMP) were Ashley who did this awesome special edition cover for STORMDANCER (terrifying that my signature is so easily acquired on the internets…):


And Anah who wrote me a FRACKIN SONG.

Sadly, there could only be one winner, and that was Su, who did this awesome Yukiko cosplay/photoshoot thing. The effort she went to kinda blows my mind:


Thanks to everyone who entered and gave their time and energy to this thing. I was totally blown away by your creativity and passion for this thing.

You all rock. 🙂



If you’re just here to win the loots and don’t care about anything else, head to the bottom of the post, and know that I will always love you.

So I was lucky enough to get some awesome authors to read STORMDANCER before it was released. A few of them were struck blind. At least three suffered aneurisms of one type or another. One unfortunate gent was killed stone dead, which I feel quite awful about and yes, I think it’s time I ‘fessed up:


Strangely, I found a couple of authors who thought my book didn’t suck, and actually liked it enough to blurb it for me. Which was awesome. I can’t really vouch for the mental state of any of these blurbers – any allegations of coercion are vicious lies, and I would NEVER threaten to publish an author’s high school year book photos on the net if they didn’t blurb me, I assure you (holy SHIT, you should see Pat Rothfuss before he grew his beard).

Anyway, a few of these authors were nice enough to give me signed loots to hand over around launch time. One such lovely person was Marissa Meyer, NYT bestselling author of THE LUNAR CHRONICLES. So today, we have a signed copy of CINDER to give away, thanks to the awesome Ms Meyer. Everyone say “thank you” in that sing-song voice pre-schoolers use.

What do you have to do to win?

It’s real easy. Just Tweet or FB about the giveaway.

If you tweet, make sure you tag it with the #stormdancer hashtag so I know you did it. Eg:

Author of #stormdancer, @misterkristoff is giving away a signed copy of @marissa_meyer ‘s CINDER here:

Or something along those lines. I dunno. Make something up.

If you FB about it, make sure you tag my FB page so I know you did it (you’ll have to like the page to do so, this is FB’s rule not mine and it sucks, sorry).

That’s it. You don’t have to follow me on Twitter or subscribe to my blog or earn points like this was some kind of fkn sweepstakes because those shenanigans kinda bug me. Of course, if you WANT to follow my Twitter feed or sub to my blog or whatever, awesome, the buttons are up at the top right. Huzzah.

The winner will be drawn on Monday 20th of August. I accept bribery in the form of bourbon or nubile young…

… no wait, my wife reads this blog…

Just bourbon is fine. (Hi, honey)

Inexplicable Positivity


I’m going to do something a little different today and be positive. I know I’m all about the swearing and the pee-pee jokes and the corruption of the youth, all bringing about the end of days and the rise of the Anti-Oprah and whatnot. But this is my blog, and if I want to give the fetid puddle of afterbirth that is the internet a LITTLE hug now and then,  you can’t stop me goddammit.

As an aside, the rainbow-farty thing pictured above is supposed to be a unicorn. I typed “unicorn” and “rainbow” into google, and he popped up. I know he has no horn, but he’s probably already cripplingly self-conscious about it, so if you could refrain from calling attention to his deformity, that’d be aces.

So a few years ago, my life took something of a falcon punch to the baby-maker. I was cruising along pretty comfortably, my bride and I had bought a house, life was pretty good. And then I got retrenched from my job.

Now, let me tell you about this gig. I worked in an advertising agency, part of a huge, lumbering global network with multinational clients. When you’re a “creative” in an advertising agency, your life is a strange one. You’re given an extraordinary amount of illusory freedom. Not many people get to work a job where they’re allowed to wear jeans and a Decepticons t-shirt, pull down a lawyer’s salary and disappear to the pub for hours at a time in the name of “research”. But the price you pay for that “freedom” is a steep one.

I worked nights (sometimes all night). I worked weekends. I worked in a place where my ideas were literally for sale – people would come to the agency and slap a bunch of money down and tell us “Sell our widget – it has new doodads!”. All the energy you pour into your creations is at risk of falling victim to agency politics, or a bad meeting, or a client’s wife getting pissy because he didn’t buy her a BMW for her birthday this year. You are, in a very real way, a prostitute. But you’re not selling your lovemeats, you’re selling your ideas. Your energy. Your creativity. And the worst part? It’s to make people buy toilet paper. Or some obscene petrol-guzzling monstrosity. Or a particular brand of shoes. You’re not curing cancer or making the world a more awesome place to be, you’re trying to convince people to buy shit they don’t need with money they don’t have.

I did not like this job. In truth, I hated it so much it was turning me black inside. But those dollars, yo. That wonderful green and all the “freedom” it brings. Keeps you coming back, long after the love has died.

And then I got retrenched. It felt like a disaster. You can’t help but feel slighted in these situations. You can’t help but feel worthless. Even though I hated that job, the actual walk to the chopping block was hellish. But the strangest thing happened during the execution. As he was handing me my severance letter, the Person Formerly Known as My Boss said “Is there anything else you want to ask me for? Do you want to keep your computer maybe?”

And that was a strange question. He asked it in an odd way, and it’s stuck in my mind ever since – I can still see his expression as he spoke those words. And, dazed as I was, I had the presence of mind to agree, sure, I’ll keep my laptop, thanks fucker. And the strangest thing? That’s the exact same laptop I wrote my first novel on. It’s the laptop I received my first full request on. It’s the same laptop I wrote STORMDANCER on, after my first novel never got repped. It’s the same laptop I read my MacMillan contract on, I wrote my sequels on, that I talk to my editors and agent on. It’s the laptop I’m typing this post on, right now, as the clock ticks down to STORMDANCER’s release day and I’m busy writing book 3 of my first trilogy.

I’m not one who really believes in fate, but it’s funny how that day, that crushing moment of despair as I got handed my papers took my life in a direction I would never have expected, and has left me in a place cooler than I’ve ever been. How the machine upon which I used to pen scripts to hock breakfast condiments is now the same machine I write fucking NOVELS on – novels that the entire world will soon have the opportunity to read.

Life is a trip. Seriously.

So basically, what I’m saying is that awesome things can be born out of the suckiest situation. Unless the world is actually ending (it’s 2012, after all), whatever shit you’re going through isn’t the end of the world. Adversity makes you stronger, this thing we call life is just straight-up bizarre, and the hole you’re falling into could actually be a doorway to someplace fucking amazing. So hold tight and enjoy the ride. And remember that it is a ride.

Much love, peoples.

Kinda like bragging

I’m really not into writing posts like this, but I’ve been told by the Powers that I should, because it s great. And it totally is. But if this post reads like me bouncing on my own pogo stick, I apologize. Be assured we will return to our regularly scheduled program of self-deprecation and dick jokes shortly.

There’s these folks called Kirkus. They do book reviews. Their shtick is that they’re the “toughest book critics in the world”. Authors kinda dread them. The dudes have got no mercy.

They reviewed STORMDANCER last week and gave it one of these:

Which is lovely and terribly flattering and pretty much their highest accolade. They don’t give these things out often, apparently. And I’m told it’s a “really big deal”, which is great. I totally played air guitar when I found out. It’s awesome. This news came right on the heels of the revelation the STORMDANCER got a starred review in Publisher’s Weekly, and was also their PW Pick of the Week. Which is also super cool. But I still feel like I’m bouncing on my own pogo stick. So I’m going to stop. Right nnnnnow.

Couple of other things:

1. We’ll be launching the next phase of my website in the next couple of weeks. It’ll have a downloads section with a bunch of artwork and stuff, plus a section on the world of STORMDANCER, with maps and info on all the clans and a potted history of the Shima imperium. Which hopefully people will dig.

2. Those of you who live in Melbourne, or who live elsewhere and are reaaaally keen, the details for the STORMDANCER book launch are as follows!

When: 7.00 – 8.30pm, Friday September 7.
Where: Dymocks City Store, 234 Collins St

I’ll mumble my way through a half-assed speech and then will be totally happy to sign your books. We’ll have books on sale there on the night, but if you want to bring copies bought elsewhere, all good too. More importantly:


When: 8.30pm – Whenever, Friday September 7.
Where: Robot Bar

I dunno about anyone else, but I’ll be getting drunk there. Probably very drunk, as possibly Up To No Good. If you wish to get drunk and Up To No Good with me, that’s awesome.

3. I’m going to be giving away a few signed books in the next couple of weeks, courtesy of some of the lovely folks who were nice enough to blurb STORMDANCER. Amongst the prize pool will be signed copies of Pat Rothfuss’ THE NAME OF THE WIND and THE WISE MAN’S FEAR containing spoilers for book 3 scrawled in Pat’s own nigh-illegible script inside.

So stay tuned.

4. Entries for the Raiders of the last ARC competition are officially closed. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the totally awesome people who put so much time and energy and creativity into this thing. I love you. The bride and I will undergo the unenviable task of picking a winner out of ALL THE AWESOME this weekend.

Thanks guys, you all fucking rule.

5. Eight weeks until STORMDANCER hits shelves. Yikes.

That’s it. Have fun, stay safe.