Pretty gold statues

It shouldn’t really rock your pantaloons off to learn that we humans are an odd lot. But if you ever needed any kind of proof that you belong to a seriously sideways race, follow my advice and start a blog. The search string terms that generate hits to your bloggery will once and for all remove any doubt that you live on a planet populated by tentacle-obsessed, gym-saddle sniffing lunatics.

To that end, and given we’re fast approaching year’s end, I present the inaugural:

MOST FUCKED UP GOOGLE SEARCHES TO HIT MY BLOG AWARDS

The entry criteria was simple: any Google search that resulted in a visit to my blog was eligible for entry, and I swear to Crom, I’m not making any of these up. Screenshots can be provided on request.

Note: It was my intention to have Samuel L Jackson present these awards, but he’s not returning my calls for some reason.

(Dun da da dunn da da daaaaaaaaaa)

The I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT’S STILL KINDA AWESOME award

Honorable Mentions:

Go away homework I don’t want to fuck you
Beasts in the Beard
Epic rage face ffffffffuck
шторм фотографии
T Rex woman of gold

Winnah: 

Giant Monster Panda

(because the only way this would be cooler is if they threw the words ‘robot’ and ‘ninja’ in there too. Seriously peoples, this is now the title of my next WIP. ‘Giant Robot Ninja Monster Panda’ – Coming to a theatre near you in 2013)

The DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF ARE YOU DOING ON MY BLOG award

Honorable Mentions: 

Are you asleep I’m Asian you bastard
Lying about gender to literary agent (seriously dude? )
Part chimp t-shirts
Even nazi cat boys love reading
Kiss this if you don’t like cowboys

Winnah:   

King tubby dub gone crazy evolution (seriously WTFFFF)

The OUSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF SEXUAL DEVIANCY award

Honorable Mentions:  

Giant Merkins
Gay Snape sex dobby
Pecs crushing cock
Mike O Hearn penis (I have nfi who Mike is, but I’m sure he’s up to no good)
Firm-handed beard ladies

Winnah:  

If a girl had a dream that you got fucked by a squid, would you hate her?

(deadly seriously here, people. One of your fellow human beings actually typed those words into a search engine. Some have demanded proof of this, and thus, I give it to you. )

And finally the SEARCH STRING OF THE YEAR award goes to:

Jay Kristoff dead

(because I didn’t think I’d annoyed anyone that much yet)

See you at next year’s award folks. Hopefully Samuel L will have got back to me by then.

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About Misterkristoff

New York Times and Internationally Bestselling SciFi/Fantasy author, and master of drunken karaoke-fu. View all posts by Misterkristoff

10 responses to “Pretty gold statues

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