Monthly Archives: December 2011

From wiser heads than mine

Final post of the year, folks. I thought I’d leave the summary to one of the sorely-missed geniuses of our age:

“…and our small planet, at this moment, here we face a critical branch-point in history. What we do with our world, right now, will propagate down through the centuries and powerfully effect the destiny of our descendents. It is well within our power to destroy our civilization, and perhaps, our species as well. If we capitulate to superstition or greed or stupidity, we can plunge our world into a darkness deeper than the time between the collapse of classical civilization and the Italian renaissance. But, we are also capable of using our compassion and our intelligence, our technology and our wealth, to make an abundant and meaningful life for every inhabitant of this planet. To enhance enormously our understanding of the universe, and to carry us to the stars.”

– Carl Sagan.

Happy New Years, everybody. Be safe, have fun and tell those who know you love them that you love them anyway. 🙂

Thanks for coming with me on the ride so far. Next year, we destroy.

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Pretty gold statues

It shouldn’t really rock your pantaloons off to learn that we humans are an odd lot. But if you ever needed any kind of proof that you belong to a seriously sideways race, follow my advice and start a blog. The search string terms that generate hits to your bloggery will once and for all remove any doubt that you live on a planet populated by tentacle-obsessed, gym-saddle sniffing lunatics.

To that end, and given we’re fast approaching year’s end, I present the inaugural:

MOST FUCKED UP GOOGLE SEARCHES TO HIT MY BLOG AWARDS

The entry criteria was simple: any Google search that resulted in a visit to my blog was eligible for entry, and I swear to Crom, I’m not making any of these up. Screenshots can be provided on request.

Note: It was my intention to have Samuel L Jackson present these awards, but he’s not returning my calls for some reason.

(Dun da da dunn da da daaaaaaaaaa)

The I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT’S STILL KINDA AWESOME award

Honorable Mentions:

Go away homework I don’t want to fuck you
Beasts in the Beard
Epic rage face ffffffffuck
шторм фотографии
T Rex woman of gold

Winnah: 

Giant Monster Panda

(because the only way this would be cooler is if they threw the words ‘robot’ and ‘ninja’ in there too. Seriously peoples, this is now the title of my next WIP. ‘Giant Robot Ninja Monster Panda’ – Coming to a theatre near you in 2013)

The DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF ARE YOU DOING ON MY BLOG award

Honorable Mentions: 

Are you asleep I’m Asian you bastard
Lying about gender to literary agent (seriously dude? )
Part chimp t-shirts
Even nazi cat boys love reading
Kiss this if you don’t like cowboys

Winnah:   

King tubby dub gone crazy evolution (seriously WTFFFF)

The OUSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF SEXUAL DEVIANCY award

Honorable Mentions:  

Giant Merkins
Gay Snape sex dobby
Pecs crushing cock
Mike O Hearn penis (I have nfi who Mike is, but I’m sure he’s up to no good)
Firm-handed beard ladies

Winnah:  

If a girl had a dream that you got fucked by a squid, would you hate her?

(deadly seriously here, people. One of your fellow human beings actually typed those words into a search engine. Some have demanded proof of this, and thus, I give it to you. )

And finally the SEARCH STRING OF THE YEAR award goes to:

Jay Kristoff dead

(because I didn’t think I’d annoyed anyone that much yet)

See you at next year’s award folks. Hopefully Samuel L will have got back to me by then.


Two Minutes Hate – Hunger Games Nail Polish (???)

Dear China Glaze Marketing Dept,

I understand that with no real point of difference to your product, you need to find ways to differentiate yourselves from the million other companies out there who make young women feel insecure about the way they look Make With The Pretty. And tying in with a movie franchise, yeah, I can see a strategy like that selling some weight for you. But that sound you heard when the world awoke yesterday to news of your official Hunger Games nail polish? It was the sound of a million eyebrows racing each other towards their owner’s hairlines. The thunder of a million jaws dropping. The mingled harmonics of million simultaneous “WTF’s”.

First up – you called your collection ‘Colors from the Capitol’. I understand you probably haven’t read the books and all, but in the HG paradigm, the people who live in the Capitol are the FUCKING BAD GUYS. A morally bankrupt, decadent elite so numbed to the suffering of their fellows they consider it entertaining to drop 24 kids into an arena and watch them slaughter each other on live TV. This is akin to launching a range of Wehrmacht-inspired apparel to coincide with the release of Schindler’s List. What. The. Fuck.

Second – the scenes in Capitol where Katniss is being glammed up for the sake of the drooly-faced audience? It’s a figurative and literal exercise in objectification. Katniss isn’t made to look fierce. She isn’t made to look competent. She’s made to look pretty. It’s a damning indictment from the author about class and gender stereotypes, and it’s meant to make us feel bad that Katniss is reduced to a sparkly meat-puppet for the sake of winning a chance at sponsors (and therefore, increasing her chances of survival).

Anyone who’s read the books knows this. Anyone who hasn’t read the books and buys your pretty finger paint and then reads the books will feel like a sucker. You want to do some good? Release an official Hunger Games bow and arrow set, and hold classes about how girls don’t need to paint their fingers pretty to be taken seriously.

I know you need to make money and shit, but for the love of god, you folks could Miss The Point for your country at an Olympic fucking level.

STOP IT.

The Two Minutes Hate is a semi-regular feature on this blog, where I basically rant like a pantsless hobo about something that irks me mightily. Previous outbursts can be found by selecting ‘Two Minutes Hate’ in the Select Category drop down menu in the right hand column.


Pimping

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock, Patrick Rothfuss is the #1 NYT Bestselling author of the Kingkiller Chronicles and super-famous rockstar author type  He’s also the main reason why I signed with the agent I did. And my agent is the main reason why I scored the book deal that I did. Pull up a chair and let me pew pew your glazzies with a story, kittens.

When I was querying to literary agents with STORMDANCER, I got really lucky – like, winning the lottery lucky. I had four (presumably drunken) agents offering me representation. And, being Mr Dilligent, I got the contact details of their clients, and dropped said clients an email, asking whether their Agent’s obvious addiction to crack cocaine (as evidenced by their offers to rep me) was proving problematic in business negotiations. Anyways, I got my grubby mitts on Patrick Rothfuss’ email addy, and asked how he’d found working with the mighty Matt Bialer, and as an Epic Fantasy author is wont to do, Patrick wrote me back this colossal email, with wizards and dragons and shit telling me how awesome Matt was. But then, a strange thing happened. Halfway through this monster mail, he types “Geh. This e-mail is getting really long. I’m so tired of typing lately with all the revisions I’m doing. You want to just give me a call?”

So we chat on the phone for about an hour, and he drops some mighty wisdom all over my n00b skull. And about 45 minutes in, I learn that he’s taking the time to speak to me the day before the final draft of “The Wise Man’s Fear” is due at his editors. THE DAY BEFORE. And I hang up the phone and say to myself “That Patrick Rothfuss is a very nice man.”

Here’s how nice: Patrick runs a charity every year called WORLDBUILDERS. The details are on his blog, but to give you the short version, Worldbuilders is a charity that helps unfortunate folks in third-world countries rise from the mire of crippling poverty. You know that saying ‘Teach a man to fish…”? Well, that’s what these folks do. And Pat is asking you to donate to this ultra-worthy cause.

BUT, he’s not asking you to give out of the goodness of your heart. He’s asking you to donate for the chance to win some amazing shit. Like, signed First Edition Scalzi books awesome. Like hundreds of great books by amazing authors (many signed) jet powered rocket pants* and various wheelbarrow loads of other Nerdgasmic Win™.

SO, if winning barrow-loads of Nerdgasmic Win™ is something you like the sound of click here for more details, or here to straight up donate.

Tis the season, folks.

*Jet powered Rocket Pants sold separately.