11-11-11

So a few of you might know my birthday this year fell on 11-11-11. This is apparently some really auspicious number in numerology or the Mayan calendar or somesuch, and being born on it means I’m like the bastard lovechild of the Kwisatz Haderach and the goddamn Batman (I’m still waiting for my mail-order Fremen army and utility belt to arrive. Stupid UPS).

Anyways, I’d been thinking about getting a tattoo for about 10 years, but aside from my wedding, I’d not really undergone any event dramatic enough to paint my body for life over it. Folks get themselves inked for any number of reasons (‘Because I felt like it.” ‘Because I ❤ butterflies.’ ‘Because I’d smashed so much tequila and mescaline I thought I was jesus.’ ) but this was my first one, and being all virginal and whatnot, I wanted it to be ‘speshul’. So, I figure, I’ve got this Book Thing getting published next year, which will probably be the one of the coolest things I ever do (at least until the Fremen army arrives and I send them forth to commit bloody slaughter in my name) so I figure I’d immortalize The Book on my birthday this year, it being this auspicious date that allows me to look into the place no woman can look. Or something.

My lovely bride told me about an art project where people were supposed to do something creative/awesome/so cool it will make your girlfriend pregnant on 11-11-11 and send it into a Facebook page, but the page was one of those desperately sad ‘Social Media Marketing 101’ type deals that forces you to ‘Like’ the page before they even let you into the clubhouse and fuck that noise.

So, I’ma just post the pics up here, with various captions that will possibly amuse and/or astound.

The scene of the crime. This is Chapel Tattoo. They have gold leaf writing on their windows and very few prostitutes loitering out front, which makes them ten times classier than 90% of tattoo joints in Melbourne. Their ‘after tattoo care’ brochure advises you, amongst other things ‘Do not listen to self-proclaimed tattoo experts in bars or on the street for one month after you get your tattoo.’

I was sold.

This is the Dude Behind the Counter®. He told me his name, but I forgot it. I should let you know that, at this point, I was quite nervous about the whole ‘pain’ aspect of this deal. Having foolishly watched several You Tube videos of people completely losing their minds whilst being tattooed, I was under the impression this operation was going to sit on the Pain Threshold™ somewhere between ‘Squeezing Lemon Juice Into My Eye Whilst Someone Repeatedly Stomps on My Baby-Maker’ and ‘Being Strapped Into a Chair and Forced to Watch Jennifer Anniston RomComs Until My Eyes Flee Screaming From Their Bleeding Sockets’.

I was also plagued by the usual last minute fears. “You’re going to be stuck with this thing for the rest of your life.” “If you get this thing and the publishing industry collapses next year like you KNOW IT’S GOING TO, you’re going to look really silly aren’t you?” “You haven’t cried since you watched ET dying when you were 10, do you really want to risk your streak over something like this?”

You will note the small idols of various in-vogue deities next to the counter. I took their vacuum-molded presence as a bad sign. As if the owners were telling me ‘Dude, this tattoo is going to hurt so badly, you’ll rediscover your catholicism just so you can pray for mercy. And lo, sinner, thou shalt find NONE’.

This is my tattoo design. It was done by an incredibly talented Japanese calligrapher named Araki Miho from Ebisu Design. Yes, she does commissions. Having seen a wall full of her artwork, yes, her stuff is beautiful. Picture Kate Beckinsale and Liv Tyler making out naked in a swimming pool full of pristine First Edition issues of Detective Comics #27 and you’re in the ballpark.

The characters, top to bottom, are ‘Arashi’ (storm) ‘No’ (a pre-posessive) ‘Odori’ and ‘Ko’ (which together, make Dancer). So, Stormdancer. The red seal is for good luck.

For those of you wondering, yes, I made damn sure the tattoo didn’t actually say “I enjoy rough sex with sea-otters” or “Sad white boy who wishes he was Japanese”. Although before I had the tattoo done, my Japanese translator reliably informed me that, because kanji are pictograms and open to subtle interpretation, at a stretch, you could interpret this design as “Little girl who dances up a storm”.

“Hell with it,” I replied. “I’m 6’7. I can totally pull that off.”

This is Shane, my tattoo artist. Shane was a funny fellow. Not like Dylan Moran funny, mind you. More like “I bury the dismembered corpses of streetwalkers under my bungalow” funny.

He approached me in the foyer, looking like he’d just murdered somebody’s kitten. Don’t ask me how, but this dude gave off a vibe like he would just hate the fuck out of anything small and fluffy.

He held up my design and said “Is this yours?”
“Yep,” I said.
“Who put you onto me?” he asked.
I paused for a moment, unsure whether he was asking because he wanted to ruin the dentistry of whoever suggested he work on this ridiculous design. Not wanting to see the friend who recommended old Shane-o drinking liquefied Weet-Bix through a straw, I pointed to the Dude Behind the Counter®. “He said you could do it.”
“Ah, ok,” Shane said. “It’s just I don’t usually do this kind of artwork.”
“….” I replied.

NICE ONE, SHANE-O. WAY TO INSTIL CONFIDENCE, BUDDY.

This is my pasty, cracker whitebread arm, freshly shaved and awaiting the stencil. You will notice the photo is blurred – this is because I was trembling when I took it. Not because of the anticipated pain, mind you, but because the dude about to paint my body for life had just admitted “He doesn’t usually do this kind of artwork.”

This is the stencil on my arm. The tattoo people have this magic stuff they spray on your skin, then lay the stencil over the top, peel it away, and bam, all they have to do is trace the design. I was reminded of the scene in Chasing Amy where Jason Lee flips out when someone calls him a tracer. This made me giggle a bit. At the sound of my giggling, Shane looked up at me like, if it was within his power to do so, he would travel back in time and tear my grandfather’s scrotum from his body, just to stop him siring the man who would sire me.

I shut the hell up.

It begins. Shane lays me down on his operating table, asks “You ready?” and we’re off.

The pain is odd. It’s a combination of pressure and heat, like being burned, but with less edge to it. On a scale of 1 to 10 (one being a Hard Pinch, and ten being Locked in a Tiny Room With Justin Beiber Playing Over The PA Whilst a Large Hairy Man Named ‘T-Bone’ Teaches You The Subtle Art of Prison Love), I would rate it a solid 5.

Outline halfway done. The pain warbles between 5 and 6, somewhere between Having a Tooth Drilled and The Moment You Found Out Firefly Had Been Cancelled. The wrist is the most sensitive part, but it’s really not that bad. I scoff at those YouTube vids and wonder what the fuss is about. I tweet to this effect, and am reliably informed by a friend ‘Just wait. The fill is much worse’.

THANKS BUDDY!

Outline complete. My dad has a tattoo on his arm. Well, half a tattoo. It’s a heart with an arrow through it. He told me there was supposed to be a scroll around it, but it hurt so bad, he couldn’t finish it. Looking down at my arm, I consider texting him and calling him a stone-cold pussy, but then I remember he got his tatt done with a razor blade and the ink from a broken ball-point pen.

So yeah, I guess my dad is still pretty hard.

The fill. This does kinda hurt. Not as bad as having your ear hacked off with a straight razor while ‘Stuck in the Middle with You” plays in the background, more like an intermittent Chinese burn to the tune of Top 40 radio. But again, it’s not awful. I’m not saying it tickled – at no point during the procedure was I at risk of making happypants. On T-Bone’s Prison Sex scale, it rates a solid 6.5.

Aaaaand done. About an hour after we began, Shane-o pronounces me finished and hustles me out of his studio like he has more kittens to curb-stomp. This is actually a photo taken the following evening – I would’ve taken a photo at the end of the procedure, but my arm was wrapped in Glad Wrap and the Glad Wrap was slowly filling up with blood, which is probably a bit low-rent, even for this blog. In all honesty, the pain after the tatt was finished came close to topping the actual procedure – it felt like that time you went to the beach in your new bikini and got smashed on a 6-pack of alcopops to impress the boys and fell asleep in the sun and woke up to find your skin was the color of fire engines (don’t lie, you know you did it). When the Glad Wrap came off, my bride proclaimed the tattoo ‘sexy’ and I was all like ‘come over here and let me treat u rite, gurl’ and then was all ‘arrrrrg, jesus h christ don’t TOUCH IT’ when she breathed near it.

A couple of weeks later, it’s pretty much healed, and I must confess, for a gent who murders streetwalkers and ‘doesn’t usually do this kind of artwork’, my buddy Shane-o did an awesome job.

To prove it, I traveled back in time and took this photo of me flipping off a T-Rex, which I’m sure you’ll agree flies quite high on the Scale of Awesome.

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About Misterkristoff

New York Times and Internationally Bestselling SciFi/Fantasy author, and master of drunken karaoke-fu. View all posts by Misterkristoff

26 responses to “11-11-11

  • Damien Kelly

    Very awesome. Exceedingly awesome.

    Although, only if you’re us, kinda, which you’re not. It’s always going to be upside down for you, no? Or lopsided at best. Are you not faced with an eternity (and congrats on busting one cherry only to have your catholicism rehymenated) of looking at it and reading, “Rec Nad, Mr. Ots”?

    (I know this seems a mean thing to suggest, but recent evidence suggests you’re quite into mean spirited grown men hurting you bloody for hours at a time.)

    (well done. seriously)

    • misterkristoff

      That WOULD totally be a problem, if I could read Japanese. But since I’m an ignorant gaijin, not such a big deal.

      I did consider putting it on the other way, so I’d be ‘reading’ it correctly and rest of the world would get it upside-down and fuck all y’all, but seriously, even my ego isn’t that big.

  • Stephanie M. Lorée

    Great post. You always make me giggle.

    And the tat is lovely. Nice work on all accounts!

  • Gina Rosati

    Too funny!!! Your tattoo is amazing … it looks very cool, there’s a great story behind it and you were very brave. Be forewarned that they are addictive. I’m up to three and talking to my guy about a fourth. And I totally agree about wrists … not a big deal, although I tend to compare pain levels to piggyback contractions and dislocating/breaking bones.

    • misterkristoff

      Thanks Gina! Folks have told me they’re addictive, and I have a thought for a second one, but honestly I’m not in any rush. One is enough for now :). I think the less ‘meat’ there is between skin and bone, the more it hurts (at least from what I hear). I see folks walking around with tatts across their throat and I honestly can’t imagine how much that must have frackin’ hurt.

      Thankfully piggyback contractions aren’t something I’ll ever have to live through! 😀

  • Serena

    This was HILARIOUS. It’s strange because I was just thinking today about how I’d like to get a tattoo done when I get to the stage in a publishing career that you are in, so I think it is absolutely a feat worth marking. Permanently. On your skin. I don’t know if I’d have the guts to do my entire forearm, so I tip my hat to you, good sir. Really glad to see that you went and got something unique done and put a lot of thought into it, and it doesn’t read Sweet & Sour Chicken Balls. I have some friends with some lazy ass tattoos, it’d make you wonder.

    • misterkristoff

      ‘Sweet and Sour Chicken balls’ was actually my first thought. Managed to talk myself out of that one though. As for the size of it, I figure if I was going to do it, it’d do it proper, like. Also, the ‘paint brush’ style would’ve been quite difficult to emulate down at a smaller size, and you’ve gotta figure on a long enough timeline, the ink is going to bleed under your skin, so you’ll lose some definition. So yeah, dictated a little by the style in that regard.

      Hey, different strokes for different folks. I totally get some people just like the look of tatts and want to get lots of them and they don’t have to have ‘meaning’. *I* really like the look of them, but I figure ‘If this is something that’s going to be on me until I’m not here anymore, it needs to have a bit of weight behind it’. That’s just me – I totally get the other side of the fence. I’d really like to get a full sleeve done TBH, but honestly, I dunno what i’d sleeve myself with.

  • Kristen Simmons

    Wow. You just made my day. Thanks for that. Love the tat – very cool.

  • Raye

    sweet ink! just a quick question about the orientation… is there a reason why you positioned it on your arm so it’s right side up for someone else to read instead of for you to read?

    • misterkristoff

      Really good question.

      To be honest, I never even considered doing it for my PoV. Not sure why. I guess it’s the same reason why we don’t wear t-shirts with the logos back-to-front so it’d be right for us when we look in the mirror. I guess I view it as a statement to everyone else on the planet, from me. It’s about me, not for me, you know?

      “This is a thing that I did, and I’m really fucking proud of it, and it’s part of who I am now.”

      Orienting it in a way that it only read correctly from my PoV would seem a little… I dunno, introverted, I guess? I could totally understand why someone would do it that way, on reflection, but I guess for me, that’s not what the tatt was about.

      That make sense?

  • Tez Miller

    Razor blade and a pen. Your dad was either really brave or really stupid. Possibly both 😉

    Those deities do make one think, though: What Tattoo Would Jesus Get? Hmm… 😉

    • misterkristoff

      I think he’d definitely agree with ‘stupid’ rather than brave.

      Hmm, what tatt would Jesus get… a little heart on his arm with the name ‘Mary’ inside? An X on his ribs with ‘insert spear here’?

      I’ma stop now before the ground starts trembling.

  • Lynne Kelly Hoenig (@LynneKelly)

    Hilarious post as usual, with bonus sexiness!

  • Gina Rosati

    I was doing my middle school library volunteer thingie that I do on Wednesdays, and my amazing librarian mentioned that her husband was thinking of getting a tattoo and was wondering how much they hurt (pffft) so of course, I had her read this post. Lolz! Lolz! Lolz! Long story short, she is now a MisterKristoff Fangirl and is impatiently waiting for Stormdancer just like the rest of us.

  • Dmetri

    Jay, that is a terrific tattoo. And, by the way, 11.11.11. is a very auspicious number in Chinese numerology too. Don’t ask me how. All I know it’s very involved and there is great wealth coming your way.

  • Sadhbh

    “Little girl who dances up a storm”

    …is it wrong that I love this? Like gender-assumption breaking and an awesome tatt all in one.

    It does look stunning, the colour is amazing and it’s wonderfully fresh. Remember to cover the living hell out of it with Factor 30 every time you step outside to keep it that way.

    My tatt took almost 3 hours of sitting up and hunching (you can’t lie down when they are doing your mid-back, they need you to stretch the skin). By the third one I was pretty much ready to drink two bottles of whiskey and then beat the tattoo artist to death with them. I settled for the booze after.

    • misterkristoff

      ‘Little girl who dances up a storm’, yep. So if I get any random mockery from Japanese tourists in the street whilst in your company, you’ll know why.

      Hmm, I had no idea it was sunlight that caused them to fade? I thought it was just a natural process as your immune system broke down the ink. Thanks muchly, I’ll get me some 30+

      I think ‘how much it hurts’ is determined by two key factors: 1) Where you get it done. 2) How much of a big girl’s blouse you are.

      (ducks)

      😀

      • Sadhbh

        My experience was the first hour was okay but annoying, the second got pretty sore towards the end and the third and the bit of fourth was pure willpower to stay in that chair. I wrote it up here – http://fluffworld.livejournal.com/206797.html Apparently the artists don’t like going over 3-4 hours in one go – tiring for them and the customers get pretty screwed up.

        Still love my tattoo, though. It was worth every moment.

        Tatts do fade a little over time, but sun exposure will speed that up mightily. Slap on the factor 30 and you’ll be looking at a lot longer between those expensive touch-ups.

        …ugh, I just read that last line. Sorry, am working on women’s mag piece and stuck in perky advice giver tone. Eugh.

      • Misterkristoff

        Yeah, mine only took around an hour and a half, maybe? So I didn’t have to bear the full brunt of it. The endorphins were still humming at that point. I wonder what I’d be like after four hours… pretty grumpy I suspect. 😛

        You’ll be pleased to know I’ve put some 30+ in the bathroom and slap it on every time I step outside like a good lad.

  • Michelle A

    Now I know I am late to this posting, but, I obviously did not snoop enough when writing my interview Q’s for you , as here is more or less the answer to one of my Q’s….hehe!! Errr…I hope you know I sent some to Charlotte Ree for the blog, if not…SURPRISE!! I am interviewing you 🙂 Very funny posting. Hubby and I have been wanting a wee tatt ourselves but it always came down to the least wrinkley part when one is mega older …well not that mega for us unfortunately and the likeability of the staying power. You got an AWESOME one!! We on the other hand were going for the majestic lets get the kids names immortalised on our skin until the worms eat us…we must rethink these thoughts!!

    Mich:D

    • Misterkristoff

      Forearm doesn’t wrinkle much in the event of old age, so it’s usually an ok choice. But honestly, when you’re so old that your arms start to wrinkle, i doubt you’re going to give a shit about what people think of you. 😀

      Interview sounds awesome, can’t wait to see the Q’s 😀

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