Two Minutes Hate – Sexy Dwarves

Dear Peter Jackson,

I’ve seen Bad Taste and Meet the Feebles. I know that beneath your Academy Award winning glitz, you’re a basement-dwelling roleplayer nerd, just like me. You know how this shit works. And we are both well aware that Charisma is a dump stat for Dwarven Warriors.

I know you need smex appeal in the Hobbit to get the ladiez along for the ride, and the source material (13 short dudes and an even shorter dude doing lots of walking) doesn’t leave much to work with. But Aiden Turner is too good looking to play a Dwarf.

Study the picture. Note the long flowing locks of raven hair, blowing in an inexplicable breeze. The three-day dusting of finely-sculpted stubble that couldn’t even remotely be considered a beard. This ‘dwarf’ would not be out of place beside Orlando Bloom at some uptown Mirkwood cocktail party. If it was your intention to cover the internets with with tide of Kili/Legolas slashfic in which God himself could drown, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Unless the rest of Thorin’s mob are a pack of dreadlocked, tubby trainwrecks, with manky hair and beards you could hang Christmas decorations from, and unless they spend the entire two movies giving Fili stick about how pretty he is…. ah, hell, who am I kidding. I’ll probably see it four times anyway…

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About Misterkristoff

New York Times and Internationally Bestselling SciFi/Fantasy author, and master of drunken karaoke-fu. View all posts by Misterkristoff

16 responses to “Two Minutes Hate – Sexy Dwarves

  • Jettica

    Aidan Turner makes me hurt he’s so attractive.

    And I momentarily got excited at the thought of the slash. Then I realised there would be a height difference. Useful in some respects, but not exactly hot…

  • Bladepsyde

    My theory is that Peter Jackson gender-switched the character so that now it’s a female dwarf; this is the closest they get to gender dimorphism. 😉

    P.

  • Kita

    See, being of the female geek persuasion I expect I am the target audience… but the purist in me is screaming “noooooo!” I want my LotR dwarves to look like dwarves dammit. Elves are for the pretty…. sigh..

  • Sadhbh

    Maybe the movie is actually a socila commentary, and at some point the dwarves will all sit down over a mug of low-carb ale and explore how the unrealistic expectations promoted by the dwarven beauty industry is negatively affecting their self-image and gender politics?

    Also, elves are too horribly pretty and girlyman for me. I know some people like that look, but I don’t. I want dwarves to look like little furry screaming bearded dervishes, not someone who has to spend 40 mins getting ready with a hair-straightener each morning.

    • misterkristoff

      Now, see, THAT would be funny. I wonder how dwarven gender politics actually work, given the whole “girls with beards” thing. I imagine “beard rash’ would be a common topic for discussion on both sides of the table.

  • Disco Stu

    Images are now up for most of the Dwarves (except Thorin, I think) and the vast majority are indeed a pack of dreadlocked, tubby trainwrecks. Which, if anything, makes Kili’s appearance more frustrating – he clearly is the odd Dwarf out. When all other dwarves have picked Option D: All Of The Above on a multiple-choice list that included big nose, stout build & fulsome beard, why did they let Mr Turner get his crayon out and draw ‘E: rock-star good looks and David Coverdale’s wind machine’ at the bottom of the application? I do hope he gets picked on by the others in the movie for looking so well-groomed.

    • misterkristoff

      Well, Fili and Kili are supposed to be the teenagers of the group (in Dwarven terms). Although if memory serves, Kili cops it in the neck during the Battle of the Five Armies, so maybe they thought audiences would be more likely to tear up over a young pretty fellow dying, rather than a young fellow with an enormous nose and beard you could lose a Buick inside.

      STILL… WIND MACHINE

  • A-bomb

    And all the elves say “he’s pretty fly, for a short guy”

  • Sophie Playle

    This is the first I’ve seen of this… I do ❤ Aidan Turner, but this is just ridiculous!

    • misterkristoff

      Now that I’ve seen the other pics of the dwarves, I do feel a little better. Kili is literally the only looker among them. The rest are all red-hot contenders for the “Shortest, Hairiest, Ugliest Bastard in Middle Earth award”

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