Two Minutes Hate: Remakes

Dear Hollywood,

Why do you keep taking the properties I loved as a child and sodomizing remaking them for the Halo Fratboy crowd modern audiences? The first Conan did the job. It’s a revenge story about a guy with pecs bigger than your average Norwegian, who hacks people to pieces with an enormous metal penis substitute. How will this tale be improved with shit-tonnes of cgi? What gold do you suspect remains unmined between Conan’s muscular buttocks?

WTF is with this trailer? How many cigarettes did you make that voice over guy smoke before he laid down the track? I can HEAR the fucking cancer in the poor bastard’s voice. And is this honestly the best snippet of dialogue your new pretty-boy Conan spouts in this film? “I live, I love, I slay”? Hell, the orginal Conan was no Shakespeare in the script dept, but at least Arnie had a funny accent.

If this film were to stand before Crom, he would laugh at it and cast it out of Valhalla.

STOP IT.

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About Misterkristoff

New York Times and Internationally Bestselling SciFi/Fantasy author, and master of drunken karaoke-fu. View all posts by Misterkristoff

14 responses to “Two Minutes Hate: Remakes

  • Hillary

    Wait, is all the smoke in the trailer being generated by the voiceover guy’s smokes?

  • Eddie Louise

    Yup! My thoughts exactly!
    It is like these guys are the moral police or something – tempt me with a guilty pleasure from my youth – but rip all the pleasure out of it first, leaving only that greasy aftertaste!
    ‘Ha! You sinner, you. THIS is what your sins will bring you to!”
    Meh!

    • misterkristoff

      Damn Moral police. Leave my childhood alone.

      Of all the S&S films you could choose to reboot, why Conan? It’s was a fucking DeLaurentis production. It had James Earl Jones in it. It had the greatest piece of dialogue from a fantasy film EVER (Crush your enemies, see dem driven before yooo, and hear da lamentation of da wimmin.)

      YOU WILL NOT TOP IT.

  • Speakingmusic

    The combination of Orff’s Carmina Burana, Arnie’s massive body (funny accent) and James Earl Jones’ acting the original will always be iconic.

    This is just a waste of time…

  • The Horror

    The original Conan film was indeed a classic, but it was at the same time an absolute travesty and a perversion of the source material. Don’t get me wrong here. Basil Poledouris composed one of the greatest movie soundtracks of all time, Milnius is a great director, and Arnie did indeed have big muscles. The problem is that Arnie didn’t play Conan, he played Arnie with a sword. It didn’t even feel like the original was set in Hyborea! The lead for this new movie is a much better actor, and it is just impossible that they will ge the Conan character any more wrong than they did with the original movie.

    The Picts in the teaser are huge bonus points in my book. I am very much looking forward to this movie.

    • misterkristoff

      Having never read the source material, I can’t really comment on how faithful/unfaithful the first film was to the original work. If you truly believe a big budget hollywood flick is capable of remaining true to 30 year old source, you have more faith in the machine than I do. I suspect this will just be another ‘Clash of the Titans’ style sodomy session. The new Conan looks like he’s wearing eyeliner in some of those stills.

      And you’re looking forward to the zombie apocalypse too, T-man. 😀

  • b.c.smith

    the horror- What you said exactly. And I tell you (and this is from somebody who has read the the original works by robert E. howard), the arnold movie is good…provided you forget that it was even based on the source material. having said that, yeah the trailer is subpar, but the line that conan says IS taken from one of the short stories.

    the frank frazetta-inspired poster for the movie does kick ASS however:)

  • RB

    This movie might suck so bad it’s not even funny. One good thing they have in their favor is that whoever goes to see it won’t likely recall the first movie anyhow (or they hated the first, so no love lost there). The original Conan is in that weird mid-land of films, good but not too good and where it’s bad it’s better. The original is not so terrible that people think ‘why bother’ It has the seeds of good material without the untouchable status of something like It’s a Wondeful Life. Try redoing that one and angry torch-bearing mobs will hunt everyone involved down and burn them at the stake chanting “Capra–Capra–Capra”…

  • Manon Eileen

    I’m not at all excited about this movie :p. I know Jason Momoa from his Stargate Atlantis days and although I kind of enjoy the muscles, there was a reasons why he had so few lines. He’s far from a good actor, which makes me even more hesitant to watch the movie.

    I was watching this trailer when I was over at my mom’s place and she asked “what’s that?” I told her about it and she said “they’re doing a remake?!?! The old one already sucked, this can’t be any better.”
    Lol.

    His voice, though, has always been that way. :p

    Also, that trailer is one of the worst I’ve seen.

    • misterkristoff

      Your mother is cold as ice! I just watched the ‘special edition’ of the original Conan again, and it still holds up imo. (I’m not sure what exactly was special about it, aside from a really bad sililoquy from Arnie about the spring wind blowing or some shit, but w/e)

      Tell your mum I will duel her for Conan’s honor. Pistols at dawn. The Queen herself will pronounce the victor (which will be me).

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